The Hanging Curtain
by meridian.fall
Summary: Completely OC. The word normal didn't fall into Eglantine Roberts vocabulary, but even some things were a little outside of being possible in her view of the world.
1. Chapter 1

The pulsing in her head was growing with each second

The pulsing in my head was growing with each second. All I wanted was a cold glass of water and to sit down in a quite place, which didn't seem likely to happen in a club, where I could barely find enough room to maintain my three feet personal bubble.

Not for the second time, I wished that I hadn't given in and come out. Normally I wouldn't have, I would have stayed home with just the tv and my thoughts for company. Tonight though, I had let myself be dressed up and marched out through the door, to some club that was apparently, as my friend had said "the best new thing", but with Bri, there was always a "best new thing".

The pounding in my head was getting worse. It was beating to the rhythm of the music blaring out of the numerous speaker situated in the building.

I looked around for an escape, anywhere. Finally my eyes rested on a secluded space over in a corner. I eyed it, judging my movements. Slowly I stood, and after weaving my way through the seething mass of bodies, reached my new haven. A large red velvet curtain partially screened me from the outside, keeping me safe. I sighed, this was the last time I ever let myself get dragged somewhere.

"Sitting this one out", the smooth voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned and eyed the man who was now standing two feet away from me.

Trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice I replied in a casual manner "dancing has never really been my thing".

A moment passed until he replied.

"Perhaps I could teach you then?", I could see instantly in the way he held himself, they way he stood, his voice, full of arrogance, that he was quite sure that he had won already.

I bit back the reply on my tongue, and instead said "I'm afraid I was just on my way out, I have somewhere I need to be". I turned and quickly made for the door, trying to avoid a collision with one of the many people on the dance floor.

The cold night air hit me with full force as I pushed through the door. Both refreshing and chilling I pulled my arms close around me and made my way down the street. It was only two blocks, there was no need for me to get a taxi, plus I didn't have the resources to go splashing out on a taxi fare. Walking was fine.

My footstep echoed. That was when I knew that I wasn't alone. I picked up my pace, it was not much further now, maybe five minutes at most, maybe four if I could walk faster, damn these heels, I thought, it was a force of habit that I never wore heels. Of course it would be the one time it mattered I was in some, irony was a terrible thing sometimes. The footsteps behind were becoming closer, my heart beat was racing, the pain in my head was forgotten, as fear flooded my body. I tried to breathe, how did I know it wasn't just someone walking home like I was? Why did I have to go and get all jumpy? Somehow though I could feel a malignant intent, I could feel it and it filled me with terror.

The small sound of something hitting the pavement reached my ears, I looked down. A flash of gold arrested my attention. No. I couldn't leave it. I reached down for the small circle of gold and slid it back on my finger, its familiar touch calming me slightly. I made to go, but a hand grabbed my arm, and I was pushed up against a wall, the force knocking the air out of my lungs. I felt hands moving across my body, I tried to struggle but all strength had left me, I was completely helpless. A rough hand lifted my chin and held my head up.

"Did you forget your way home?". The usual smart reply that I would have had was gone, I was paralysed.

"No answer? Well let's loosen you up a bit then"

I wanted to scream, I wanted to do something, anything.

The hands that moments before had been roaming over my body were wrenched off, and having nothing to hold me up I slid to the ground. I could see someone with their back to me, and a pair of legs dangling uselessly, useless, like how I felt. My vision blurred and I lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

My thoughts wandered

My thoughts wandered. My memories being played out in front of me like I was sitting in a theatre. The bright red dress I got for my 7th birthday, the time I broke my arm after falling down the stairs, I can still remember the blearing pain, how I cried till I had no more tears left inside of me, and even then I cried, until my mother held me to her and I felt such a sense of safety and warmth flow inside me, that I forgot to cry. A cold autumn day, the soft crunching of fallen leaves as the we all walk towards the hill with the blaze tree on it. I grip the bouquet of Briar Roses that I hold in my hand, the black shadows move around me, but I can not focus on them, all I feel is the bouquet in my hands, they were her favourite. Pain seeps into me, and the pictures in front of me blur and fast forward, until my most recent ones appear and reality comes crashing back down around me.

I open my eyes and edge myself up into a sitting position. I had been placed on a sofa, a light blanket draped over me. The room was shrouded in darkness except for the thin sliver of light shining on the floor from the moon. For a moment it held me captivated. There was something so beautiful, so alluring about moonlight. Compared to the harsh reality of sunlight, moonlight held within its softness, a mystical feeling, like anything was possible. Perhaps that was simply because I was someone who liked to escape reality. But right now did not seem to be a good time to try and escape it.

Where was I? I tried to think back on what had happened. The club, leaving, being pushed against the wall, those legs dangling uselessly. Mixed emotions flooded my body, I felt terrified, thankful and apprehensive all at the same time. I was trying to gather my scattered thoughts up off the ground, when a voice that sounded somewhat familiar, though I could not seem to place it, sent them flying again.

"How are you feeling", I turned to where the voice had come from

"I feel fine, nothing a good sleep won't cure". The man stepped into the moonlight and remembrance came to me of where I had heard this voice before. Now bathed in the moonlight I could more clearly make out his features. He was a good deal taller than me, though I wasn't tall by any standards, his dark hair swept across his forehead, creating a stark contrast to his flawless, pale skin. Through his thin shirt I could easily trace his muscular body, he had to work out often, I of all people would know that you did not achieve a body like that, by sitting around doing nothing.

Trying to control myself I looked up into his dark eyes, a hint of a smile curved at his lips. He stood there with his hands in his pockets, in what seemed such an effortless stance.

"Well?" the smile still played at his lips.

"Well what?" I did not make an effort to hide the annoyance that had crept into my voice.

Taking his right hand out of his pocket he approached me and held it out, "I'm Mordecai Oliver, it's a pleasure to meet you, though maybe not under these particular circumstances", maintaining eye contact with him I warily held out my hand.

"Eglantine Roberts, though everyone calls my Lanny, I want to thank you, I don't want to think about what would have happened" I trailed off, I honestly did not want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't of shown up. "I don't know how I will ever be able to thank you properly for what you did, I…" it was one of those few times when I found myself without words. A situation that didn't happen very often, I was always quick with a response, so when all words left me it left me feeling somewhat disconcerted.

I tore my eyes away from his and stared at the flecks of dust floating within the strip of moonlight, like a world of its own.

Again my thoughts were about to claim me, I could feel them swirling around me, and I was in fear of being engulfed. A hand touched my arm and a voice whispered softly near my ear "the shower is through the door to the left, there are some clean shirts in a cupboard if you wish to put something slightly more comfortable on"

I sat there staring, seeing something that I alone could see. I broke the tie holding me there and made my way to the bathroom

I switched on the light, causing me to blink several times while my eyes adjusted. I looked around the room, and the only way I could describe it was as the most luxurious bathroom I had ever been in.

I undressed and let the hot water run over me. I could feel it cleansing me of the days impurities. I turned it off and rubbed my self down, my skin was soft and warm to the touch, but I wasn't clean, inside I was still trapped in the same mud pit that I had been in since my destiny had been chosen, a destiny that I had run away from, but even then I was still stuck and no one was coming to pull me out

I rummaged through the cupboard and finally chose a black shirt that hung past my thigh.

I walked back into the room I had come from and over to the door that led to a small balcony and slid it open. I lent on the railing, watching the moon as the clouds raced silently past.

My wet hair hung down my back, but I did not notice the cold, I did not notice being, all I saw was the moon.

I heard it. That one word sent a pulse directly into my heart, jolting me out of my dream like state. I spun around, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. He was standing there, hands in his pockets. He had said it, for the first time in 5 years someone had called me by my name. the name I despised, but at the same time held closer to me than anything else, it was my most cherished possession, that's why I had never introduced myself with it, I was always Lanny.

"What did you say?" my words were sharp, sharper than I intended, I was tense, I felt like I was balancing on a fine wire, he returned my gaze, and looked at me as if contemplating something. Before he could respond though the wire broke beneath me and everything I had kept on it slammed with full force into my body, but it didn't stop there, it was falling too quickly, it had to escape. The tears rolled down my face, I lost all self control. I felt arms wrap around me, and a soft voice, though it did not tell me to relax, to stop, it just comforted. Through my tears I managed to summon up the sense to say something, just one thing, "Say it again", the strong arms held me closer momentarily then I heard him whisper gently near my ear the word I so desperately wanted to hear "Eglantine"


	3. Chapter 3

I felt safe

I felt safe. Maybe even content. I could lie here for the rest of my life. As I slowly adjusted to reality I could feel the arms wrapped around my waist, the arms that had held me until I cried myself to sleep. Momentarily their grip tightened, but they slowly released. I wanted to stay like this forever, well maybe not forever, but until I no longer had any breathe left inside me, until none of this was important.

I could hear the steady sound of my heart beating, counting down till its job was complete.

"Its all right", I said softly in my dream like state, I didn't know why I said it, but I felt his arms release and the words left hanging in the air "I promise I will be back soon" as I heard the door close softly behind him.

I floated, a million miles away. I was no longer attached to my body. Nothing was necessary any longer. No pain, anger, hunger, confusion, war, just me. My stomach rumbled loudly, and all too quickly I landed heavily back on earth. I sat up and looked at the fading sunlight. Everything always looked more beautiful in the golden wash of sunset, even the concrete landscape of Los Angeles. I did a recount of events. It was hard to believe that it had only been 24 hours since I was dragged to that club. For some reason if felt much longer. But then again time wasn't something you could count on, even though we tried to count it, sometimes it liked to bend the rules to.

I wasn't alone anymore, "Have you always been in the habit of entering rooms quietly and standing there?"

"Not always, it is something you develop over time, its better sometimes to observe a situation before plunging head on into it" the response had already formed itself and escaped before I had time to reconsider.

"Am I a situation? Interesting, I have been called a lot of things but not a situation"

My stomach rumbled again, reminding me that it was in dire need of food, I turned away from the enchantment of the sunset and looked at him. "Well this situation is hungry, so unless you are going to feed it, it will be going"

A smile curved over his lips "Of course I intend to feed my situation, what kind of host do you take me for?"

The kitchen was spotless. I could see my reflection mirrored in the splashback.

I got the feeling that Mordecai didn't eat in often. A kitchen didn't stay this clean just from a rigorous cleaning ritual.

Nevertheless he seated me at the table and next thing I knew there was quite a meal in front of me. I gulped down the spaghetti on the plate. Food had never tasted so good.

"Do you always sit and watch people while they eat? It's somewhat disconcerting that's all. People feel rather vulnerable while they are eating" a slight change passed his eyes, but it was gone before I had time to even consider it.

"Well you are finished now, so I don't think it matters" I looked down at my empty plate. I smiled. Touché.

I stood up and started to clear the dishes to the sink. With him next to me, I cleaned while he dried. I went to place the last cup on the shelf, I stood on the tips of my toes trying to reach, but I could feel it slipping as I tried to edge it over the side of the shelf. His hand was on top of mine and he slid the cup over the side.

Momentarily I felt trapped. Nervousness weighed itself down in the pit of my stomach.

"I should be going, it's getting late" I escaped to the door. "Thankyou for everything, if there is ever anything that I can do for you I would be happy to…."

His smile stopped me mid sentence. He already had something, I knew it, and he knew that I had realised it.

"Well now that you mention it, I would like it if you would come dancing with me"

"I'm afraid dancing isn't really my thing"

"I would be happy to teach you"

This was starting to sound familiar.

I sighed. I really did not want to go. I didn't really like to go anywhere, let alone dancing with a man I barely knew and who was one of the most egotistical men I had ever met. But he had saved me, no matter how cliqued that sounded. I owed him.

I prepared myself for defeat "Ok, I suppose it can't be that bad"

He knew he had won, that annoying smile on his face, while he stood there with his hands in his pockets. It irritated me, everything about him irritated me.

I wasn't someone who liked to admit defeat, so the sooner I could get out of here and pretend that I hadn't sold out the better.

I had a feeling that somehow things were quite quickly spiralling out of my control.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi everyone! I had someone leave me a review asking if Mordecai is actually Josef or if he is an OC. As of yet I'm not exactly sure, I havn't made up my mind yet. So I would appreciate your thoughts! Hope you enjoy the latest chapter.

Finally I could get some sleep, I was wrecked. Work today had gone for what seemed like an eternity.

I flicked the light switch and crawled into bed, pulling the blankets tight around me as a defence against the cold night air, which was attempting to find its way under the blanket to seduce the warmth out of my exposed skin.

I was within the region between sleep and consciousness. Thinking that I was awake and yet not aware of anything at all, until the ringing of the phone hammered its way inside my head.

My eyes snapped open, as the rest of my body awakened, screaming at me go back to sleep. Ignoring my bodies request I sat up and snatched the phone up off the desk beside my bed. This had better be important; otherwise someone was going to regret ever having dialled my number.

"What?" for a moment there was silence on the other end.

"Do you usually tend to answer the phone in such a friendly attitude?" the blood running threw my veins came to a stand still. It had been a week now and I had been quite sure that he had probably forgotten that I had agreed to go out with him. It seemed I had been wrong, and I got the feeling that he knew that.

"Are you still there?" I closed my eyes for a moment, I was to tired to be bothered thinking.

"Yes, of course I'm still here, was there something that you wanted?" I could picture in my mind that annoying smile of his curving its way over his face.

"I just remembered today that you had asked me to teach you how to dance, so I thought perhaps I should make a time and date for that" I rested my head in my free hand, massaging my temples.

Just remembered? The hell he had just remembered, he wasn't the kind of person to just remember something. He planned and calculated every move he made well in advance. And since when had I been the one to ask for lessons? He made it sound as though I had practically begged him.

"Give me the time and where, and I will be there". He gave the necessary details and I slammed the phone down into the holder, crawling back under the covers. I sighed, admitting defeat again. I hope that this continual admittance didn't start becoming a trend, because I was not enjoying it. Twice now he had won. Next time wouldn't be so easy.

With that thought on my mind I finally drifted off into the realm of my mind, where anything was possible, as long as I had the capacity to imagine it.

Sleep always effects time differently than when you are awake. Several hours inside your mind, could feel like several minutes. Which was exactly what I was thinking when I the alarm clock blasted all sub conscious a million miles out of me. Seven o'clock already? Maybe I just wouldn't go to work today. I will just lie here and pretend for a while that it doesn't matter if I don't get up, that the completely mundane boring tasks known as living are no longer important. Maybe I will just stop breathing. Maybe is entirely speculation though. I knew before I even started to entertain thoughts of not getting up that I would. It was the thought of maybe, maybe you wouldn't do it, maybe today would be different that kept us getting up each day.

Maybe tomorrow would be different, because today was going to be the same routine.

I contemplated the exact moment I would rip the blankets off me, and do a quick change into something I could face the day in. It was best to charge head first into the cool morning air than slowly drag your heels around, contemplating that maybe again.

I had my standard breakfast of orange juice and toast. Cleaned my self up a bit, grabbed my bag and was out the door before the clock had snuck its way up to 7.30.

The cold air streaked past me as it was forced back from the vehicle cutting its way threw. A bus. My bus.

I sprinted down the pavement. The one day I was actually on time and the bus is early. The pedestrian light in front of me flickered to red just as I drew up to it. I fought to regain my breath; the sound of my thudding heart filled my ears. I should really do more exercise, was the one thought I had as I watched the bus pull up at the stop. It unloaded and took in its new cargo. Then its slow and sluggish movements as it fought to return to the stream of traffic it had diverged from.

The first drop of rain hit me on my cheek. I looked up the cloudy sky, their soft grey underbellies swollen with water.

I smiled. It seemed today was going to be that maybe day I had been waiting for.


	5. Chapter 5

I dismounted from the bus and looked at the place across the road

I dismounted from the bus and looked at the place across the road. I took out the piece of paper with the details Mordecai had given to me, checked them twice, and crossed the road.

……………………………

After I had missed the bus, I had had to walk to work. Four blocks. Not only that but it rained rather hard as well. So by the time I had actually got to work. I was late, physically about to die, and soaking wet. I didn't even want to see my reflection.

Luckily, I had clothes that I had left in the storeroom from back in the days when the business was just getting off the ground and I had had no where else to stay.

Though those clothes were later replaced, when one of the waitresses managed to spill coffee all over the front of me, the smell clung even after I had changed my clothes. Not being a fan of coffee, I spent the rest of the day feeling nauseous. I was beginning to think by that stage, that I would have preferred a day, when everything went as it usually did. A boring, mundane day. As usual the one thing that kept me going was the thought that maybe things would get better. Maybe.

I had finally got home. Showered, pulled on some clean clothes, considered trying to make my hair look slightly neater, but deciding in the end that I couldn't be bothered in trying to fight a loosing battle, and for the second time walked out the door.

…………………………

I spun the wrong way. Again. I disentangled myself from his arms making for the door, all the while muttering that I had told him so. He blocked my path of escape and I was forced to look up at him.

"I told you that dancing was not my thing, I am completely incapable of moving my body in any spontaneous way. Call it a genetic mutation if you will" He put his hands in his pockets.

"Its not that you are incapable, you are just choosing to be. If you let go a little bit more and relaxed you would find it much easier" I tried to resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"How do you know that I'm not relaxed?" that same smile again.

"Once more, this time try to let go a little bit more, feel the music" the response had left my mouth before I had even had a chance to see it. "Be the music" as I pirouetted on the spot, laughing. He caught me in his arms. "Exactly"

I came to a standstill, his right hand holding mine and the other one around my waist. I had done it. To what degree didn't matter, I had successfully carried out the steps without making a mistake. I only just managed to contain the strong desire I had to jump up and down with glee, like I had when I was still a child. Perhaps I was still a child. Just because I had nearly lived for 22 years I was classed as an adult. At heart though I was still as young as I was the day I had spun around in circles on the lawn until I collapsed on the ground in a giddy heap. I would always be that girl.

"Now I hate to say I told you so, but I did say you could do it if you tried" I was to ecstatic to even consider holding back my retort.

"You don't hate to say you told me so. We both know you enjoy the fact that you were right, and I get the feeling that's probably 99 percent of the time" with the hand he still had in his he spun me around, catching me on my second revolution. His movements were graceful; they displayed all the fluidity of remembrance. That was the thing about him that had been on the edge of my thoughts for the past week. He seemed perfect; like he had one day got up and had been frozen in that moment for all of time. It was hard to put a finger on his age, though I would have guessed it to be somewhere around mine, but it was in his eyes, the depth they had, that you felt that he had seen and knew so much more than you ever would.

All the poetry I had read, the lines that the eyes were the gateway to the soul. For him I believed that line. The power that emitted from him was alluring and mesmerizing but at the same time almost repellent. That somehow I was so far beneath him I should not dare to even talk to him. That was the part that won over me. I wanted to know why? I was curious. Curiosity had killed the cat, but that was not deterring me.

It was at that moment that I realised the closeness of his body to mine. His fingers brushed my cheek. They were cool, so that I was not sure if it were him or just the tempting fingers of the wind, pulling me into a dream like state were I couldn't seem to differentiate what was real from what was not. The thought spoke to me through the haze clouding my mind, that I was real, that was all I needed to know. This situation could be a dream; it could be a figment of another's imagination. But I was real. I would decide.

I jolted myself back into consciousness. His dark eyes were on mine. More than on, they were in me, like he could see everything I was thinking, every thing I had ever thought. He could see me. The real me. I pushed his gaze back, until we met in the middle again.

The clock over on the bench read 10.30. Time I was going. I stepped back, still holding his gaze, but not letting it slip any further towards me.

I picked up my bag that I had dropped carelessly in the corner when I had come in. there was nothing in it of any real value, just the things that somehow wind up in the depths, and that you can never be bothered to clean out. "Thankyou, but I have to go the bus I have to take stops in 10 minutes"

"You mean that bus pulling up at the stop out there right now?" I rushed to the window, sure enough there was my bus just taking off into the night. "That clock over there is slow". I truly hated time. Why did we have to count and record it? We should all just learn to move along without it. I rested my head against the cool glass. Breaking something was an option right now.

"Do you need a lift?" Breaking something was definitely an option right now. I tried to hold in the extreme temptation of relieving myself of the anger building up inside me by punching through the window. I didn't bother turning around. I could see him in my mind standing there his hands in his pockets.

He had won. Again.


	6. Chapter 6

A quite day. I liked quiet days at work. Though I couldn't say that I disliked busy days, if it wasn't for them then I wouldn't be able to appreciate the days when the customers trickled in, like a river slowly drying up in the hot summer sun.

I stood, watching the drops of rain that were beating against the window. The sound produced a calming effect, and I was soaring a million miles away. Even if someone did happen to come in one of the other waitresses could take care of it. I was free to disappear inside my thoughts. Roaming across the fields covered with colour. The sky melting and bleeding into the horizon, wind blowing me, or was I blowing it? I couldn't tell. It did not matter, anything went in my world. It was a pity that it couldn't be that way in the real world.

I didn't even notice his cool hand on mine. The way he could suddenly be there mixed up my reality. That's what I had always wanted. For reality to be unrealistic, to be everything it wasn't supposed to be. That's how he made it. But I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted it that way. If reality was no longer so real, then getting lost could be much easier.

I didn't open my eyes. I kept them shut tight, listening to the beating rain. His other hand reached up and hooked the hair hanging softly around my face behind my ear. His hand moved down my neck, resting there gently, or maybe not at all. Perhaps this was all just a dream. I fell back into myself and opened my eyes. Certainty of my surroundings flooded my senses.

I stepped out to the side in order to face him.

"Mordecai. This is, well I suppose you would say a surprise? I wasn't aware that you knew where I worked or that I worked at all for that matter" I hadn't seen him in over a week and something about him made me stop. My heart skipped slightly. He seemed, for want of a better word, more serious. His usual stance of having his hands in his pockets had been abandoned and the slight smile that often worked its way onto his face was absent. There was, in his eyes a somewhat dangerous, uncontrolled look. Suddenly I felt entirely alone, like he and I were the only two in the world. The people sitting in the room next to this one did not exist; I could not hear the background chatter you could always hear in cafes, just the sound of my beating heart. Beating quickly. I was afraid.

He moved to me. My mind screamed at me to run, to get away, as far away as I possibly could. Yet the other side of me urged me to stay. It wanted me to be afraid, to feel the adrenalin coursing through my body. Caught in this crossfire I stood as a tree struck by lighting does. Rigid, full of life one moment then drained the next, as it is evaporated into the air.

Though my life was shocked back into me, I was not left petrified and empty. He pulled me to him, holding his arms tightly around me, one of his hands running through my hair. Terror clasped its cool fingers around my heart. I could almost feel how much he needed to be near me, like I was a drug. He murmured something but I couldn't quite catch it. I wanted to break away, but I felt that perhaps it wouldn't be such a good idea, and I would probably end up regretting it. Besides there was a part of me that wanted to be near him, to be close to him. I didn't know why. It had not really bothered me that I hadn't seen him for the past week and a half. I had been somewhat glad. I didn't have time to be seeing people. Though I knew that had just been the excuse that I had used to bury the true reason. I was afraid that I would become to attached to him, that he would mean more to me than just an acquaintance, or a friend. I didn't want that. Did I? I wasn't so sure anymore.

We had been having "dancing lessons" twice a week for the last five weeks. Though for the past few I had been needed at work, as some of the waitresses I usually had on, had called in sick, so I had cancelled.

He rested his head on mine. "Don't be afraid"

His words made me feel the reverse of what he said. How was is that he always knew how I was feeling, what I was thinking, yet I found it close to impossible to even venture beyond the façade that he put up. Maybe this was my chance, what I had been waiting for. I could finally try to sneak my way in, but now I was in the moment, it was like standing on the edge of a precipice, staring down into the yawning blackness. Did I take the risk? Or did I stay standing within a realm that I understood the rules to? For the first time in my life I chose the safe side.

His right hand came to rest above my heart "You're still afraid, why? What is there to be afraid of?"

My answer was plain "you" I raised my arms and drew them around him, placing my head on his chest.

I was balancing precariously on the edge. For now I would stay here.

Someone called my name, and I pulled away, from the arms that were attempting to draw me back in.

"Fine, I will let you go, only after you promise to meet me tonight" I laughed and said coyly, "I won't promise anything".

Before I had time to even ascertain my surroundings I was being held tightly, almost too tightly. "Promise" I knew that it wasn't a request. I played it safe again. "I promise". His grip released and the dangerous aura emitting from him dimmed slightly.

I moved into the other room, Bridget asked me something, but her words were another language to me, I could find no meaning in them. I looked back into the room I had come from, but he was gone, like I knew he would be.


	7. Chapter 7

I couldn't do this

I had left work early today; Bri was going to close up for me. I had caught the bus and disembarked at the usual place I did every time I came to meet Mordecai. I walked slowly. One foot in front of the next, its habit, I no longer need to think about it. My phone rings. I hold it to my ear and answer. My breath catches in my throat. My hand drops. I don't see anything; everything is just one big blur of colour. All thoughts drain from me, like a funnel, they are drawn down by gravity. I walk straight. Its habit I don't need to think about it.

I enter the room. I know that he is standing there; he is the only thing I can discern, the only thing that I can make out from my surroundings. My blank eyes meet his. I didn't have the strength to stand on my own any more. I wanted him to hold me close. I couldn't do this. It was too difficult, too much. Everything was so complicated; maybe I should just stop breathing. Let myself float out of this existence and into the next. Allowing the river to pull me out of the niche I had stuck myself into nice and tightly, and explore beyond what I could see here.

He was next to me before I could further entertain that thought. I was in his arms. I breathed in his familiar smell.

"what's wrong?, tell me what happened" his soft voice was so gentle, it prised open the gate I was keeping everything behind, the only thing I could muster to say before the flood of tears came cascading down was "He's dead"

Even after everything inside of me had been washed out by my tears I still clung to him, afraid that I would be overcome by the pain threatening to conquer me. I moved my head against his chest. The feel of his soft silk shirt smooth against my cheek. He stroked my hair.

I made my decision; I was ready to tell someone.

"He died. He died Mordecai, and I never got to talk to him. To say I was sorry" I buried my face further into his chest.

"Who?" I paused; I hadn't said this word in a long time. "My father".


	8. Chapter 8

The words had spilled out of me, like someone had placed a cup under a dripping tap and finally it had all come cascading over the rim

The words had spilled out of me, like someone had placed a cup under a dripping tap and finally it had all come cascading over the rim. For the first time I had finally told someone who I was, the only child of a wealthy family, what you would call a "charmed life".

Until I had killed my mother. It was my fault. I knew it was. No one ever said it to me, but I could tell in the kindly smiling faces, trying pathetically to cover the blame they felt. It only took one look into their eyes and you could feel the hate striking you a deft blow in the chest.

It had been an accident. I had put my medication in a different bottle as I had broken the other one. I forgot. It happened that the bottle I chose was an empty one of my mothers vitamins. I had killed my own mother.

I walked with the bunch or briar roses in my hand; they were the only thing I could focus on, the other people moving around me just black shadows on the periphery of my vision, as we all walked toward the blaze tree on the hill. The fallen leaves crunched under foot. I watched, my father spoke, tried to speak, he broke down, his pained sobs stabbing deep into my heart. I watched as others around gave my father their condolences, their suppressed tears still managing to run down their faces. I watched, as they lowered my mothers casket into the ground, they placed in flowers, cards, photos, and still I held the roses. So tightly, my hands were a bloodied mess, though I didn't feel it, I felt nothing, I was numb, I couldn't even cry. I stared straight ahead, words were deflected off me, all I could see where the roses in front of me. They were her favourite.

I was eighteen. I left, I couldn't stay there, and everything reminded me. It got to the point where I could no longer even look at my father. He said that it was ok; we would get through it, that it was an accident, not my fault, the same words over and over again. I didn't believe it. In the end neither did he. So I ran.

That's when I became Lanny, Eglantine is much too unique, and I didn't want to be found. I tried so hard to start again, to forget, but I couldn't, maybe I didn't want to, maybe I wanted to remember. I made friends, but not the friends that matter, acquaintances. When my mother died, she took with her my ability to feel, I was numb.

I intended to go back and visit my father sometime, to tell him I was sorry. I never said it before, I couldn't, I knew that if I did I would be saying that it had been my fault, even though I knew it was as soon as I said it out loud and threw it out into reality there would be no way I would be able to escape it, even in my mind.

I ran, and even inside I'm still running. I'm so tired, so sick of running. I want to stop, stop and take a breath.

I was sitting in Mordecais' lap, his arms holding me close. I moved closer to him as I spoke my last words. Sighing with relief, I felt light. Like I could soar up into the sky and watch the people below me, who were still earth bound, as they carried their weights of pain, anger, hatred and jealously with them.

I felt so safe, so protected in his arms, like I was beyond the clawing hands trying to pull me back into a harsh and horrible reality. The last thought I had before I slipped off to sleep was that I was never going to leave those arms. Not ever.


	9. Chapter 9

I was confronted with the smell of newly cleaned linen, still crisp and not yet softened by use

I was confronted with the smell of newly cleaned linen, still crisp and not yet softened by use. I wanted to sit up and see where I was, but at the same time I wanted to remain lying here in my dream like state, still partially within the realm of sleep. For those few moments I lay there in a state of peace, until panic struck me a blow and my heart started to beat a million miles an hour. I am alone. No arms hold me safely. For the first time in my life I begin to doubt whether I can function by myself. I want, more than want, I need, another person, to the point where I start to shake, and my body aches, tears sting my eyes.

"Mordecai?" my voice is quiet, pleading for him, tears run down my cheeks. I feel myself being pulled into another, and held close. The shaking coursing through my body ceases, and the pain building up inside me subsides, my heart slows. His soothing words calm me, and I hold him tight. I start to wonder when he became so important to me, it's as if he slowly bit by bit snuck his way into my thoughts, like he penetrated the furthest reaches of my mind and implanted himself there, not even I could get him out. Maybe I didn't want to.

I was calm again and the words slipped out of my mouth, I must have decided on them within my subconscious.

"will you come with me?" he rested his head on the top of mine.

"I will come anywhere with you" relief flooded my body and I relaxed into his arms.

He would come with me, come to the funeral. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

We drove up the drive way in silence, looking at the tall oaks bathed in moonlight flicker and blur as we moved past them. As we turned the corner the house came into view. It looked like it had been taken out of my memories. The double story building, white underneath the ivy growing over the walls. My eyes travelled to the top right hand window, my room. As we drew up to the front I almost half expected my mother to come out and welcome me home, just like she had when I still had a life here.

I became aware that Mordecai was looking at me, I turned to look at him, a blush already spreading over my cheeks. Despite the darkness I had a feeling he could see me in every detail. His face was shrouded in shadows but I could see his bright eyes searching my face, trying to determine what I was thinking. Not that he needed to, he always seemed to know what I was thinking without a moments hesitation. He took my hand in his, "when your ready, there is no need to rush" he squeezed it gently.

"lets go" I yanked open the car door pulling my bag behind me and walked up to the front door. I stood there looking at the knocker, the large bronze lions head with a ring through the nose. I stared. I had lost all sense of being, and was slowly being overcome with the influx of memories. Light hit me full on and I turned away to protect my unadjusted eyes. I felt Mordecais arm around my waist guiding me into the hall, I could hear voices though for all it mattered they could have been speaking a completely different language to me, the words slipped from one ear to the other, bypassing my thought process. The only words I managed to hold onto before they glided away were "your father will be so glad to see you"


	10. Chapter 10

Shadows moved around me, the weight of fear pressed down on me, but then I relaxed, and instead of seeing menacing spectres I saw the contents of my imagination playing out in front of me

Shadows moved around me, the weight of fear pressed down on me, but then I relaxed, and instead of seeing menacing spectres I saw the contents of my imagination playing out in front of me. I rested my head back on the pillow. I knew where I was, my room. Nothing about it had changed, it was still the same as it had been the day I packed up a small bag of my belongings and left. Still the same. Was I still the same? My thoughts linked hand in hand moved along, bringing me to Mordecai, his familiar face before me, dark brown eyes penetrating and bright. The remembrance of his arm around me, guiding me up the stairs brought me to the forefront of my memories. Those words, it couldn't be, they had said my father was dead, hadn't they?

I was not so sure anymore, I was not so sure about anything. I had always thought that it was ridiculous in books and movies, when someone could not bear to do something because of the memories haunting them, but now I sympathised with them. I stared at the ceiling, missing the swirling clouds on my bedroom back in Los Angeles, even though I couldn't see the ceiling properly, I missed the absence of it. why was I so calm? I shouldn't be this accepting, I should be in a mental breakdown, I should be crying in hysterics. Instead I was lying here peacefully letting it all wash over me, absorbing every detail, accepting it as it was, and as it came. I sighed, when did my life become so; I struggled to find a word. I could say abnormal, but it had never really been normal from the start. What did normal even mean? Everyone was different so how could there be a base for normality? I sighed again, it would be a good idea for me to get some rest, I had tomorrow to get through, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a nice stroll through the park. At least things couldn't get any stranger.

Rain pattered against the window as I dragged myself into consciousness. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, time to get up and face the day. I pulled on a jacket and walked across the room to the door. it hadn't escaped my notice that everything was still in exactly the same place it had been that day I saw it for the last time. I pulled the door open and walked out into the hallway, turned left and down the stairs. I could do this in my sleep. I could hear voices drifting from the kitchen, they sounded familiar, though I couldn't seem to place them. I walked into the spacious, airy kitchen that had been built to my mothers design. Two people were seated across from each other, discussing something, until they noted my entrance and turned to greet me.

The woman's kindly smiling brown eyes jolted my memory, Sue Turner, she had been my mother's best friend, and had been like a second mother to me. The man with her I recognised as her husband, Will.

She walked over to me and placed a comforting arm around my shoulders, "how are you feeling? Your boyfriend said that you were fairly tired and just needed some rest" I paused for a moment taking everything in "I feel fine, nothing a good sleep wont cure. Boyfriend?"

Since when had I had a boyfriend?

They looked at me in a slightly concerned way, almost as if I had brain damage and had forgotten some key point to my life.

"of course, your boyfriend, tallish, dark hair, brown eyes, looked about 25 or so. What was his name, I can't quite remember"

I tried to keep my laughter in. boyfriend? Mordecai, my boyfriend?

"You must be talking about Mordecai" she interrupted me before I could continue. "Yes that was it, you did very well for yourself Lan, I'm very proud of you" I bit my lip to stop from smiling.

'Well the thing is Mordecai isn't my boyfriend, he is more of, an acquaintance you might say'.

Both of them seemed somewhat shocked by that announcement, but I decided to ignore it and move along to more pressing matters.

"perhaps someone could explain the situation to me, it's just that I have heard from one person saying that my father is dead and now I'm hearing that he will be glad to see me. so what exactly is going on?" my voice sounded strange to my ears, like I was hearing someone else talking.

Sue directed me to one of the chairs and sat me down in it. "of course, we will be happy to explain everything to you Lan. Well it was about 5 months ago when your fathers' health deteriorated and none of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with him. It soon became apparent that he didn't have much time left and it was decided that we should try and find you. So we hired some people and they finally tracked you down to Los Angeles. I forget whose decision it was to say that Michael was dead, but the reason I remember as being that you would be more likely to come. I know that was a terrible thing to do, I still feel bad about it, but you're here now so it doesn't matter." They exchanged glances, and sue continued "the doctors have said that Michael has maybe two weeks ay most left, for the past few he has been asking for you as well." I didn't know what to feel. My father wasn't dead, I still had a chance to apologize, I felt happy, and sad, and confused. I looked up at them, "may I go and see him?"

Relief showed on their faces. "of course you can, we will take you now, he is in the hospital over in the next town." She hesitated, something on the tip of her tongue, "there is something else you should know as well Lan" she paused, deciding how to place her words, "your father, well he didn't stay single after, after, well he remarried" that news didn't cut threw me to much. It was natural that he should find someone else, he deserved it, but I sensed that there was something else. I met their gazes, "Vivien isn't the nicest person you could meet, and well, she has made it clear that she intends to claim all of your fathers' belongings when he passes on, also she has made it clear that no one is to visit him" that cut deeper, "not if I have anything to do with it, it won't"


	11. Chapter 11

I couldn't stand hospitals

I couldn't stand hospitals. The smell of despair and death hung in the air, along with the more dangerous feeling of hope. I followed behind Sue, Will had had something he had had to attend to in town and had dropped us off.

Together we entered into the elevator, the doors closing softly on us. I leaned my head against the cool metal wall, watching my ghostly reflection.

We stopped our upward progression and the doors slid open silently. As we walked in silence to the room my father was in the only sound reaching my ears was our footsteps on the polished floor.

We entered into a room that was already occupied by another guest, who as we entered, stood. I barely took the time to take in her appearance, and I shrugged off the hostile energy that was emanating off her, as I pushed past Sue to the bed where my father was lying lost in unconsciousness.

I could hear voices behind me talking, but I ignored them as I picked up his limp hand and held it in mine. I looked at his face, so calm and serene. He had barely changed within the five years I hadn't seen him. The only thing to mark the time was a few grey hairs streaked through his light brown hair, and a some slight wrinkles around his eyes. He still looked young. He was young I thought, he was only in his mid forties. What a waste of life, for some one to be taken at this age, but then again everyone died at some point that was the way it was. It was just time. Like it had been my mothers time a part of me added, but I shut it out. That had been my fault whether it had been her time or not.

I squeezed the lifeless hand in mine, willing him to wake up, to wake up so I could say the words that had been haunting me for all these years. His eyes flew open and they travelled around the room, searching, until they met mine.

"Eyes like your mothers" his voice was quiet though it did not sound pained, he managed a weak smile.

Eyes, the only physical characteristic I had inherited from my mother. She had been perfect, beautiful. Her long wavy blonde hair, blue eyes and flawless skin, made her look like a china doll, but unlike a doll she had had much more substance. I wished I could have been more like her.

"Dad…." The word sounded strange and unused to me. Like I had picked up an old flute, and blown the dust out of it that had been collecting there over time.

"I'm sorry dad, it was my fault that she's gone, I should have said it all those years ago, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it had been my fault, that I was responsible. Please….please forgive me"

He squeezed my hand, a sad smile spread across his face "Lan, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't, I was sad and angry, I didn't see that you were hurting to, I was to wrapped up in myself to tell you that it was ok. I should have been there with you. I wasn't, I let you down. She would have been furious at me for that. For that mistake I missed you for five years. Tell me that you are happy"

I smiled I felt like I was finally free. I smiled. Here I was saying goodbye to my father, who I hadn't seen in five years and I smiled.

"Yes, I am happy" relief settled over his features. His voice came more distantly now "I'm glad, now your mother might not be so enraged when I see her"

I knew he was gone even before the heart monitor declared the absence of a heart beat. I rested his hand gently on the covers and allowed myself to be pushed backwards as the tumult of doctors and nurses surged in to try and recapture a life that was already gone.

I stood outside the room looking in, I was getting further and further away, until eventually I found myself in the elevator.

I walked out of the hospital, I walked, and then I ran, I ran until my heart threatened to give out, I ran home, and up the stairs to my room. I stood in the doorway, looking at my breathless reflection in the mirror, I waited for it to say something to me, to respond, to explain, but it just stared at me, unflinching. The red ball of anger that had been building up in me unfurled and white hot flames burned inside me. I picked up a trophy of my desk and hurled it at the mirror. The shards flying in every direction and falling in slow motion. I walked to the desk and swept everything off it in one smooth motion, the sound of it hitting the ground only gave my anger something feed off. I grabbed a tennis racquet and proceeded to swipe every object of all my shelves. Pictures, trophies, books, even the tennis racquet was no longer in one piece.

I was arrested from behind, I struggled briefly, fighting for my freedom, but the anger burning inside me died and I fell back into the body behind me, and then sunk to the floor, left empty now that it had burned out. I leaned my head back and rested it on his chest. I knew it was him, it was always him, he always seemed to be there when I needed him, even when I said I didn't need him. He picked up my arm, running his fingers along it, "Lan? You're bleeding" I looked at my arm that he was holding up. I had a long gash where some flying glass must have hit me. I hadn't felt the pain, but looking at it brought the pain rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. I didn't feel nauseated from the sight of my blood running down my arm dripping onto the carpet, in fact I found it mesmerizing. I couldn't tear my eyes away.

"At least we know I'm still alive" I gave a small laugh.

"And what is it that makes you think you have to be alive to bleed?" I thought about it, and I actually did think about it, it was an interesting question.

"While you think about that lets get you cleaned up, I think you might need stitches"

How did he do that? He seemed to know what I was thinking, it was irritating not to say the least.

He helped me up and walked me down to the bathroom, one arm placed on my back. As he washed my arm with a damp towel, and I looked away biting my tongue trying to not give into the pain, I came up with my answer, "You may not have to be alive to bleed, but the pain sure is proving that I am" I ripped my arm away from him, "Jesus Christ that kills, here let me do it". His smirk didn't go unnoticed as I set to work on cleaning the wound I had caused. "Well I was right; you are going to need stitches.

I tried not to roll my eyes; I didn't want to slip while undertaking such a delicate task. Just great, I couldn't stand hospitals.


	12. Chapter 12

I sat in the front seat, watching the full moon following me

I sat in the front seat, watching the full moon following me. I seemed that I wasn't the only person who didn't like hospitals. I smiled at that thought. The moment we had walked in the front door I could feel him tense slightly, a brief moment showed a look that almost seemed like repulsion on his face, but as usual he masked his inner thoughts perfectly.

We turned a bend and reached the top of the hill, the moon shone down "can we stop for a moment please?" he pulled the car over with expert precision not asking for a reason.

I stepped out of the car and pulled my phone out of my pocket, I had to get a photo, even though I knew that it would never do it justice. It would just be another photo to add to the collection of moments when I had endeavoured to capture part of the beauty of nature and failed miserably in my attempt. I sighed, looks like I had been right.

But then again I didn't really have a right to try and capture the beauty of nature, it was for everyone. I should just enjoy the moment.

Mordecai placed an arm around my waist and I jumped slightly, I had almost forgotten that he was even there, almost.

"would you do me the honour of a dance Miss Roberts?" I turned and put my hand in his outstretched one "I would love to Mr Oliver"

We danced under the moonlight for hours or maybe what could have been just minutes. It didn't matter either way, time was not important; all that mattered was the present.

We were wrapped up in a trance, a web slowly being wound around us. I begun to wonder who was spinning it, was it me? I didn't know, I didn't care, I was happy to let myself be swept away.

The tugging sensation of my new stiches pulling at my skin was enough to unravel the web around me. I was still in his arms, and I couldn't stop the blush from rising to my cheeks. I looked away "we should probably go, its getting late" , I could feel his resentment for disrupting the moment, but there was still a part of me, a small weather beaten wall, that hadn't quite given way yet to the onslaught of waves he was sending hurtling towards me.

We sat in silence as we drove back to the house, the house, that was what it had become to me, just another house. My life had used to have been contained in those walls, it had watched me grow, laugh, cry, it had watched me and kept my safe. Now all it was, was just a house. It was no longer home. Where was my home? The thoughts went on and on, I was sick of them, I was sick of thinking, I wanted to shut them off, lock them in a room and throw away the key. I was still trying to attempt the feat of stopping all thoughts in my head when we pulled up outside the now eerie and silent house.

As I walked through the door, I felt its heavy weight of silence pressing down on me, I felt trapped, like I was suffocating. I was beginning to hyperventilate, I held my arms around my stomach, trying to force the air into my lungs, but getting no where. As soon as I felt his body next to mine, the weight lifted and I felt safe and protected. This was home.


	13. Chapter 13

**This is the last chapter I wrote, so if you would like more please tell me. Hope you have all enjoyed it so far.**

The brisk winter morning air cut threw the coat I was wearing, and I shivered slightly. I hear the sounds of others walking around me, walking in the same direction, as we head to the small hill, with the bare tree on it. I look down at the bouquet of flowers in my hand, Lillies, they were his favourite. I wondered for a moment if my parents had of had another child that was a girl if they would have named her Lily?

I sigh, just another thought to add to the room in my head already bursting with them.

"Everything OK?" I look up, and smile at him. "of course, why wouldn't it be?"

"perhaps the fact that we are at your fathers funeral could have been a factor" his words dripped with sarcasm. I rolled my eyes and pretended to ignore him. I was glad he had come.

There were a few people whom I recognised from my childhood, Sue and Will waved to me, and I returned it with a smile. Apart from that I did not see any familiar faces, not that I minded.

The ceremony began, though I didn't catch onto any of the words, they flowed right past me, as person after person stood to make their speech about how he had been taken to soon, that he should have had many years left in him, that it wasn't fair. All of it was so morose, so depressing. Why should it be? My father had had a good life, shouldn't we be celebrating it? That he lived at all? instead of contemplating his death. I raised my head and looked at the sea of black. he had always hated black, he said it took the life out of things, I smiled at the joke, "he would have said that if he were here now",

"said what" I looked up shocked, I had said that out loud? "nothing, just…nothing".

The last speech was done and the priest was starting his final words, something took control of me and I found myself raising my hand and requesting to say a few words. I had done it before I had even had a chance to think about it. I could feel the crowds eyes on me, whispering, asking who I was. the priest looked at me, "and what was your relationship to the deceased?"

"I was the deceased's daughter" placing enfaces on the deceased. The whispers in the crowd got louder at that, and I bit back my smile as I stepped up to the small wooden podium.

"good morning to you all, and thankyou for coming, dad would have been impressed that he had so many friends" a nervous laughter rippled through the crowd. "my dad may not have lived an extremely long life, but what he did live he lived to the fullest, which is more important than how long he was here. I may not have spent the last few years with him, but I still loved him. I will miss him, but I am glad that he is at peace now, that his suffering is no more. Perhaps now he is finally with my mum, finally together again."

After the casket had been lowered into the deep hole that was to be his final resting place, the crowd dispersed, a few giving their condolences as they made their way to their vehicles parked at the cemetery entry.

Eventually I was the last standing beside the now freshly covered grave, I stooped and placed my bouquet at the head stone, I took off the black coat I was wearing revealing the bright red dress I had on underneath "I didn't wear black dad". I stood listening to the sigh of the earth as it absorbed the rain falling to it. The drizzling water making everything look slightly blurry, as if it was in motion, and I was standing in the middle of it watching. Or maybe I was the one spinning while the world watched me, laughing at my vain attempt to escape from reality and find something more interesting, more alluring.

I took one last look at the graves of my mother and father, side by side, and walked back to the entrance, where Mordecai stood waiting. "you do realise that your getting needlessly wet, don't you?", "really am I?, I would never have noticed" his sarcastic reply gave me a good reason to push him playfully as I walked past him, I realised my mistake to late, as he took my hand and pulled me to him, all before I could offer any resistance. I looked up and let his eyes fall into mine. They were dark and alluring. His cool lips were on mine and all thought of resisting crumbled, like the walls of an old forgotten building.


End file.
